Matthew 5:37, “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes’, and your ‘No’, ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” (NKJV)
I can remember many years ago sitting in my group therapy session during the early parts of my treatment center stay and the counselor asked us how we felt. The decade of “feelings” took place in the 1980’s by the way.
During my first several group sessions I could not tell the group how I felt. For years I had stuffed my feelings. As a kid I learned how to be a chameleon in order to fit in. I would basically feel however I needed to feel…as long as you told me how I needed to feel…can you say co-dependent? Of course then I found drugs and alcohol to really suppress my feelings and…well in August of 1987, without chemicals in my body, I had no clue what my feelings were about.
As I started to work through the 12 Steps I began to “feel” and it was scary. When I started to feel my emotions, I wanted to use–but I didn’t want to use–and the insanity would start.
Slowly but surely the layers of the onion were being pealed away (thanks to the 12 Steps, my counselor and my mentor) and I was gradually getting in touch with the truth and my feelings. This new way of life was teaching me the importance of being honest and keeping my word…not an easy task for any addict or alcoholic.
Then FINALLY my “yes” started becoming “yes” and “no” started becoming “no” to ME!
The epiphany…I remember reading on the back of a token I received from the chemical dependency center and it read; “To thine own self be true.” Being honest with ourselves is the key to recovery and it simply involves the habit of keeping commitments we make to ourselves. For many of us who are broken, that is not an easy thing. We lived a life where our “yes” often meant “maybe with conditions” and our “no” meant “maybe I’ll change my mind tomorrow.” Our word meant nothing.
This is a process…In the beginning of my recovery I lived one day at a time simply saying “yes” to sobriety and “no” to using. Then at about the three year mark in my recovery journey my sponsor kicked me in the behind by telling me it was time to get back into the real world and become a responsible husband, Dad and professional. I remember him telling me AA was there for me to get me back into the mainstream of life and that I had responsibilities to take care of. In essence he was telling me to “man up.”
Actions performed enough times become habits…Today I know being a responsible human being starts with my ability to keep my commitments I make to myself. If I say “yes” then it remains “yes” after the feelings and emotions are gone. If I say “no” then it remains “no” even if the feelings and emotions re-ignite. Keep in mind this is a slippery slope in the beginning of recovery as we often over or under commit because we have no clue what keeping a commitment entails. It is OK to say no to a previous yes or vice-versa. Just stay away from the “land of maybe’s.”
Keeping commitments begins with knowing our priorities…My ability to keep commitments to myself is greatly enhanced when I have my priorities straight. Today my priorities in order of importance includes: My faith, my body, my family, friends, those I lead and those I serve. In other words I have to stay committed to the Lord. I have to stay committed in taking care of myself as well as my family. I need to be there for my friends when they need me. I need to be there for those I lead as well as those I help. The majority of my yes and no’s revolve around my priorities. I very seldom let others’ priorities become mine.
K.I.S.S….For those of you early in the recovery process, it is a process it is not an event. Keep It Simple Stupid is a phrase I still use today..twenty-four years ago my priorities started with staying sober, and in order to do that I needed to strengthen my faith and be willing to listen to others as well as help others. Then eventually I could be there for my family, and then my profession and then came my body and then friends. Start out with simple commitments to God, yourself and your family and as you begin to keep your commitments you will be able to eventually expand your commitments into all aspects of your life.
Priorities change…You can see how the order of my priorities have changed over the years but today I know the order I live by is the right order for me and in-turn makes it easy for my “no” to be “no” and my “yes” to be “yes.”
A painful proposition…As I’ve mentioned before, there is no worse place to be than on the fence. When you are sitting on the fence your “yes” is maybe and your “no” is maybe and “maybe” is from the evil one (re-read the scripture above) and your crotch really starts to hurt. 🙂
P.E.A.C.E.
jay@eaglelaunch.com
